Lost in the Shadows...

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 06:18:06 GMT

Reposted from a far older post, because I adore the quote I came up with, and love occasionally paging back to see how far I've come, and all I've been through emotionally. From MY side.

"It's dizzying to find you've been looking into a mirror this whole time... For years.
Just because the reflection isn't what you're used to, doesn't mean it's not you."

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 19:55:26 GMT

When old addictions come back to unexpectedly and LOUDLY bite you on the ass, then hit you over the head with a heavy spellbook for DARING to ever have 'forgotten' them... Bah... Just what I wanted back...

... Yep....

http://raistland.com/

... Damn snarky-ass annoying spellcasters who think they're better than everything and everyone on the planet... -.-

I DIDN'T NEED ANOTHER ONE, GUYS!!! DAMNIT!!!

*cough, looks miserable*

Thwei - Death Knight - Blood Elf - Egotistical, Sadistic, blood-thirsty ex-Paladin. Likes pissing people off in unusual or interesting ways just to get reactions from them, usually trying to tempt a fight. (He can be a bit suicidal in such a way at times.) Has a soulshard shoved in his chest that vaguely keeps him 'tolerable' and not JUST a homicidal psychopath. (Tall, Warriors build, long hair that was once black, but has been bleached to a blueish gray by frost and magic; keeps it tied into a messy ponytail.) Likes skinning his fallen enemies and sewing their skins with fine cloth into nice boots.

Threyavan - Paladin - Blood Elf - The antitheses of Thwei, Threyavan is the Paladin Thwei WAS... Good natured, caring, fiercely defensive of his race and loved ones, even in spite of being 'banished' for defending his twin brother a bit too viciously. (Tall, Warriors build from much training with sword and shield, long black hair, often tied into a messy ponytail.) Likes working with fine minerals and gems.

Kaeldwyn - Warlock - Blood Elf - Likewise Egotistical and Sadistic, sometimes more than a little Masochistic. Master Demonologist. Ex-Follow of Kael'thas, Follower of Illidan (Illidari Shadowlord). Felblood. Likes keeping 'pets' of as many 'higher races' as he can get his mitts on, as well as anything/anyone else he can lure into it. Though in spite of this he can be quite caring and friendly, so long as you aren't scared off by his demon-side. (Tall and willowy, wiry/athletic build, demon horns, long black hair that is often partially bound up in a fancy topknot; though sometimes he lets the color fade, and it goes back to it's magic-bleached silver.) Herbologist/Alchemist.

Fahr - Hunter - Night Elf (WAS a Blood Elf) - Threyavan/Thwei's twin brother, friendly (overly), Social (overly), Alcoholic, cheerful, womanizing little prat. (Though that's calmed some due to his new fiancée, he still tends to at least LOOK.) Medium height, very wiry build, long hair always tied neatly back in a no-nonsense ponytail, the color sometimes blue, sometimes green.) Miner/Engineer.

Kwei - Rogue - Blood Elf (Ex-Forsaken) - Overly friendly/Cheerful, undeniably a Rogue, has been a Highwayman, and calling him an 'incorrigible rake' would not be wrong in the least! He's ex-Forsaken, but he made a convoluted deal with one of the Burning Legion in order to take the body of one of the Blood Elves, A Felblood, actually (Though he fights that addiction.), a choice he sometimes regrets, but ever since the demon maimed him for trying to skip out on his "deal" (ripped out his eyes, lots of other nastyness he had to get fixed via complex magics.)... He hunted down the Demon's true name, inscribed up some enchanted weapons and killed it for good... Well, He feels "Much better now!!!"... Still has his Blood Elf form, and spends WAY too much time in some of the less reputable inns in Silvermoon City ever since. (Not that this is any different than before!) (Short-to-Medium height, stereotypical Rogueish build, long hair always kept tied back in a very messy ponytail that looks like he slept in it, his hair is artificially colored a VIBRANT red shade more often than not. Naturally it is dark blonde.) Leatherworker, Master Blacksmith.

Valsheyrath - Mage - Blood Elf - Cute, adorable, charming, sometimes a little shy, but with a dark side not many get to see. He likes 'nice robes' of pretty or soft/fancy materials, and books, normally curled up somewhere with a heavy arcane tome, dressed in some fancy or finely crafted robes, sipping at some hot tea. He's also a natural ginger, pale red hair with very fair skin and freckles, something he's often teased about, though he tolerates such with bored apathy. He can't stand the Forsaken, and in fact has (on occasion) worked willingly with the Scarlet Crusade, though he'll never confirm or deny the fact, he enjoys wearing the tabard, sometimes just to see if he can get a reaction, usually from the Forsaken, or those exceptionally loyal to them. Though when cornered or questioned he fakes innocence. (Very skinny, bookish, 'delicate', even. Long light red hair, tied carefully in a ponytail, pulled over one shoulder.) Enchanter.

Kianomyr - Priest (Shadow) - Blood Elf - Shadowy, mysterious, can't stand close contact with others (on account of his masochistic tendency to sharpen small shards of mana crystals to thread through his skin wherever he deems fit), power-hungry to an insane degree. Keeps dancing the line of his mana addiction, occasionally nearly pushing it 'too far' in his overzealous attempts for more power. (Average height/build, nondescript mousy brownish-blond hair, oft twisted up in a ponytail, though sometimes not.) Enchanter/Tailor.

Melchom - Shaman - Goblin - Annoyingly loud, sure of himself, confident, and more than willing to tell you _all_ about his glory days on the Isle of Kezan... Before it got blown up, of course. don't make comments about his height, he hates that, and will oft more than cheerfully offer to 'fix' any of the taller races 'height issues' in regard to such statements. Especially since he's a touch... Short, even for a Goblin. An when his hair isn't hidden under some form of 'dashing' hat or other, it's tied back in a short puff-ball ponytail. Herbalist/Alchimist.

Zairzen - Warrior - Blood Elf - Young('teenage'), cheerful, often innocent-bordering-on-naive, charming, but quick to rile if you poke at him too much (And hold a grudge for a while.). Fiercely loyal. "Pet" and devoted admirer/lovesick puppy of Kaeldwyn. Among many other factors. (long fiery red hair, very vivid and natural color. Sometimes tied back in a neat and proper ponytail, but most of the time he just wears it down, only bothering to brush it when demanded to by someone he cares to listen to.) Miner/Engineer... Aka; Collector of EVERYTHING SHINY, and crafter of 'neat gadgets!'. Pierced ears, decorated with finely crafted gold earcuffs, likewise he has a strange black sigil branded onto his right shoulderblade.

Tyrnan - Rogue (Sometimes Mage) - Worgen (Sometimes Night Elf) - Young('teenage'), klutzy, shy, super skittish, younger than Zair, but can be a bit more charming, at least in a quiet/hesitant way, if you're patient enough. (As a worgen/Rogue he has long blond hair, tied back in a neat ponytail, and pale skin. As a Night Elf/Mage he has dusky violet skin and long silver/pale lavender hair, often tied back in a mimicry of Kaeldwyn's hairstyle.) Blushes easily. He always wears a fine gold chain around his neck with a strange sigil on the pendant.

And THOSE ten are just "original characters" I've created in World of Warcraft... The list goes on for OTHER characters who I've either RPed SOMEWHERE, or that just sometimes are so loud and colorful, that they show up on occasion, just to harass my others, or sometimes to say their own version of "Hello.".

Kunzite/Malachite
Zoicite
Nephrite

Raistlin Majere

Alucard (Castlevania)

Dean Winchester

Lestat de Lioncourt

Skywise
Cutter

Spike, aka William the Bloody

Duncan McLeod

Detective Nick Knight
Javier Vachon

Dade Murphy/'Zero Cool'/'Crash Override'
Emmanuel Goldstein/'Cereal Killer'

Duo Maxwell

... It's noisy in here sometimes... @.@;; No WONDER I get massive headaches so god damn often! Q.Q;;

Tue, 30 Nov 2010 17:15:24 GMT

>.>
<.<
>.>

o.o;;

Warning: Erratically written so at to be damn near illegible.

http://frosted-blood.insanejournal.com/1590.html

*cough* Irritated death knight is irritated... (Understatement.)

-.-;; At least now he's not so drunk the bartenders refuse him service...

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 18:18:19 GMT

Too much WoW, even more RP... Not enough sleep... Foolish threads on the WoW forums have been created.

One for the General Forum -> http://us.battle.net/wow/en/forum/topic/1127487590?page=1
A rather amusing 5-pages-and-counting... An array of replies from Trolling to support and opposition... A good mix in my mind. I LOVE that Blizz is throwing in plots that illicit a nice emotional responce.

And one on the Feathermoon Forums... -> http://us.battle.net/wow/en/forum/topic/1126998503?page=1#4

Kinda fishing for some RP options outta that one... lol Unlikely, but... *shrug* Honestly, if Blizz keeps on, I might faction-swap my death knight... :/ Argent Tournament work be damned.

Though the Alliance ain't doing much better from what I hear... Maybe best just shelf this one 'till next xpac if things get to... Headache-y. Blah.

Who knows... Cataclysm will tell... Though...

OI!! GWYNN!! Get yer butt in WoW. I WANNA PLOT AN EPIC PvP PLOT!!!!

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 17:41:50 GMT

... Just had a dream that my GF turned me over to the Alliance...

.... Jesus christ I NEED to get out more...

@.@;; World of Warcrack has invaded my damn DREAMS. D:

(... Again!)

I need a damn life... >.<;;

... Oh, well... At least it wasn't the dream of endlessly questing in the Barrens? XD

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 06:30:37 GMT

Huh... It IS about that time again, innit?
J/K.

Anyway, most of the same junk as last year, really... o.o;;
And this time I'll leave off the whining and angsting and shit. I still WANT an Electric Guitar and a whole bunch of crap that's expensive, but, yahhh... WTF ever.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/plush/AC6E/ - Star Trek Interactive Tribbles (Small) $14.99

http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/unisex/gaming/b250/ - Umbrella Corporation T-shirt (Medium) $16.99

http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/camping-outdoors/aec9/ - Squishy Shot Glass Set $8.99 ... Just... Because!! ^.^

http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/kitchen/8ace/ - Titanium Spork!!! Also $8.99. Again, because I want. ^.^

http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/accessories/5a65/ - Shower Shock Caffeinated Soap - $6.99. Caffiene+Soap.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/unisex/generic/939f/ - Come to the Dark Side T-shirt (Medium) $15.99

http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts-apparel/unisex/generic/7029/ - Keep out of Direct Sunlight T-shirt (Medium) $15.99

Also, pretty much any books by Neal Stephenson... (Bought Via Powells Books downtown or something?) 'Zodiac' or 'The Diamond Age' would be ultra cool...

~*~Newest Additions to the List~*~

Game cards for World of Warcraft Never go amiss... http://us.blizzard.com/store/details.xml?id=110000004

Another WoW 'Horde' t-shirt wouldn't be bad... Size Medium, plx. http://us.blizzard.com/store/details.xml?id=110000027

World of Warcraft®: Year of Here 2010 Daily Calendar. http://us.blizzard.com/store/details.xml?id=1100000464

Though really I might prefer the 'World of Warcraft®: 2010 Wrath of the Lich King Calendar' Better... http://us.blizzard.com/store/details.xml?id=1100000462
(And if you want cheaper, there's always the Mini-Calendar. http://us.blizzard.com/store/details.xml?id=1100000463 )

There's also a wholleeee List of t-shirts by J!NX I would ADORE. XP I'm just that geeky... (Also, size Medium. lol)

World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade t-shirt - http://www.jinx.com/world_of_warcraft/men/burning_crusade.html?catid=40&cs=2&csd=40

World of Warcraft Death Knight class t-shirt - http://www.jinx.com/world_of_warcraft/men/death_knight_class.html?catid=40&cs=2&csd=40

(I'm tired of typing 'World of Warcraft' over and over, Just assume I typed it...)

Arthas t-shirt - http://www.jinx.com/men/shirts/world_of_warcraft/world_of_warcraft_arthas.html?catid=40&cs=2&csd=40 (Arthas FTW!!! \o/ .... Eer, I mean... >.>;; YouCan'tProveAThing!)

Death Knight Lore t-shirt - http://www.jinx.com/world_of_warcraft/men/death_knight_lore.html?catid=40&cs=2&csd=40

Knights of the Ebon Blade t-shirt - http://www.jinx.com/world_of_warcraft/men/knights_of_the_ebon_blade.html?catid=40&cs=2&csd=40

Also there's the World of Warcraft Horde Crest Leather Wallet - http://www.jinx.com/world_of_warcraft/other/horde_crest_leather_wallet.html?catid=40&cs=2&csd=40 (This one I would actually quite love. <3)

Bah, Actually pretty much ANYTHING J!NX makes that is WoW related and has to do with The Horde, Blood Elves, or Death Knights is full of win and awesome in my mind. Just FYI.

Aside from that particular addiction for a moment...

A Copy of any of the Evil Dead movies wouldn't go amiss, either.

... I already own both the Predator flicks and AVP. (AVP:R DIDN'T Exist, so don't bother...) But! A copy of the Alien films could be cool.

Oh, and ANYthing Castlevania-related would be AWESOME! :D It's my other addiction. :3
http://www.amazon.com/Castlevania-Belmont-Legacy-Marc-Andreyko/dp/1933239190/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=I131QG2LWTA1I4&colid=VL1ATJ5612UU

I ALREADY bought myself a copy of 'Snow Crash', as well as ThinkGeek's 'Cosa Nostra Pizza company' t-shirt, XP So... Heh, that's why they are not on the list this year. :D

I'll probably keep going back and editing this when I remember. lol.

(And yes, Witty... The Tribbles are STILL on the list. /rasp)

This post doesn't exist. lol.

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 04:57:44 GMT

>.>;; Feel free to completely ignore this post... Well, unless you're curious, but no mocking! XD

o.o;; I decided to save my WoW RP notes here, as well as on my PC, this way I can access them from other computers if I needed to.
... Though god only knows why the HELL I might need to do that... O.o;;
Eeh, anyway...

<.<;; That is all.

Thwei Shadowsong (Blood Elf, Death Knight, L80)

The first thing you notice is how pale he is, even for one of the Sin'dorei. The only splashes of color can be found in the silvery traces of scars that run across his body, mostly trailing to vanish under his clothes.

The next thing one might notice is the eerie chill that accompanies his presence, even though the slight smirk he offers you seems friendly enough, something makes you wary... Perhaps the feeling comes from the scent of blood and fel magic that seems to cling to him..?
The oddly uncared for state of his hair and clothes makes it obvious he cares little for such details as much as others of his race, as the spatters of both dried and fresh blood stains can attest...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Threyavan SilverLight (Blood Elf, Paladin, L12 {Thwei before he became a DK})

At a glance one can easily tell that he takes much in life seriously, his armor is kept in top condition, clearly just as cared for as the rest of his appearance.

From the way he stands, it's clear he's well disciplined and cares much for keeping up an appearance that conveys this... However it's all in odd counterpoint to other things easily noticed about him, the trail of metal earrings staggering up his gracefully pointed ears, and the traces of ink, tattoos curling across his skin, hints peeking from the cuffs of his bracers, and the collar of his shirt indicate he's likely spent much time among the other Orcs and Trolls...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaeldwyn Sunfire (Blood Elf, Warlock, L43)

Kaeldwyn seems highly distracted, and yet he meets your gaze and smirks slightly, the expression seems oddly condescending for something so unremarkable, as if he thinks he knows something you don't...

The black freshly inked runes that circle his wrists indicate an interest in the arcane, but what exactly... One would be unsure about at just a glance...

Aside from the most noticeable, a lingering look would yield a curious observation about the way he stands and how he holds himself, his poise speaking of strong self-discipline and more strength than one would think from a follower of the arcane...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fahr SilverLight (Blood Elf, Hunter, L61)

Unlike many of his race, it's clear he doesn't care to keep his gear in perfect shape, nor does he care the condition of his hair... However the smudges of road dust and blood don't at all detract from his looks, if anything they seem more just a part of what makes him who he is.

... Those sensitive to it might notice that the scent and feel of fel magic that seems to cling heavily to most all of the Sen'dorei is unusually faint on him.

The Horde insignia, pinned with care to his chest indicates his standing on that matter clearly, but oddly none of that is overly reflected in his seemingly carefree attitude and stance.

As if only now realizing you watching him, he meets your gaze and smiles charmingly, his vividly green eyes sparkling with amusement, he nods slightly to you before going back to what he was doing.

{When in cities it's rather obvious he'd rather be elsewhere, especially neutral cities.}

((This mood icon fits my current mood perfectly... lol, I _remember_ that episode. Exhausted/Sleepy/Startled/Bzuh?!/O.O/O.o/>.o is me.))

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 14:09:55 GMT

Bah... I'm a royal f-ing failure. MY costume isn't going to be done in time for Halloween.
>.< Damnit.

Though on the up side, it will eventually be done! I actually figured out almost all those damn bits that were giving me so much damn trouble! The Pattern and instructions were fucked up beyond belief, cursing the creators of McCall's patterns to the deepest depths of hell, I took a break and had an epiphany. XP Figured out the pants at long last!!! Should fix a pleat and need to stitch in the snaps, but that'll be EASY. :3

When I next find the energy again to work on it all, likely after some sleep at LEAST, I need to attach the sleeves, sew the bottom panels together and attach them, then just stitch the lining to the jacket, and adding the collar when I do. XP All-in-all not much work is left, and yet MORE than enough of it is that there's probably no way in hell I'll be able to finish it before the party tomorrow. :/ Suckage.

Thank god for backup ideas, huh?

Heh, Guess I'm just going to have to dig out the old black robes again. Got some pointy ears from the Halloween shop today, as well as some other supplies in case I needed 'em for an emergency improvised costume.
Nowhere NEAR as cool as what I was wanting, but.... Meh. WTF ever.

Gwynn's gonna help me improvise, 'n it should be entertaining at least. XP

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 08:27:21 GMT

Hn...

... I used to love Halloween more than anything... Well, I still technically DO, but it's a lot more complicated lately. >.o

I still am freakishly crazy about Halloween, but the problem is that I'm starting go think it perhaps means TOO much to me. I have a bitch of a time angsting over what damn costume to wear, how to create it and piece it together, that I spaz and start to hate my favorite holiday.
It sucks.

Originally I wanted to buy some fabric and hopefully snag a pattern or two to piece together a neat Cosplay outfit for Halloween. I REALLY had wanted to piece together a costume for Kunzite... But it's quickly seeming like that just REALLY won't work. I can't get anyone to loan me the use of a sewing machine, I can't find ANY patterns I could roughly adapt... Found several nice fabrics that I wanted to buy to work with... But jack shit elsewise.

Next thought followed much in line with my standard obsession of "The Lost Boys"... Butttt... My chances of finding that damn jacket are slim to f-king none. So that's mostly out... Though I AM going to check a few thrift shops and whatnot between now and then... Maybe I'll get lucky? (Yah, right.)
So yah... This? Is probably unlikely as hell as well...

Though given my newest haircut, I'm probably just gonna go for a nice cheap-ass copout costume... I don't think ANYone I will be spending Halloween with will get it... But that's cool. Only one friend figured out my Raistlin costume, so it would just be 'tradition' to go with weird-ass semi-obscure junk...
Only problem opting to play Dean Winchester for a night... No one will think I'm dressing up! >.o

Bah, It's aggravating!

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 01:07:42 GMT

There are good days, and there are bad days...

... And then there are REALLY bad days. You know, those days that saying they royally suck is an understatement?
This, this is apparently one of those days.
And I don't even know why. >.o

*sigh*

Not even playing World of Warcraft was cheering me up...

Meh.

Off to go stare blankly at the kitchen, probably wind up doing more dishes and then coming back to stare blankly at my computer screen until I eventually get tired enough to sleep.

Bah... I hate days like this.

On the slight up-side, I was actually able to drive a good bit today. Drove out to the feed store to get Ferret food and litter... Then to the store to get some soda for G... So apparently being painfully blank and depressed has it's uses?

... IDFK...

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:07:12 GMT

So... Lengthy times between posts aside...

Yesterday marks one year.

A year since I had not only told my friends and family, as that happened even before then, but a year since I started DOING something about it all...

And... It actually feels pretty damn special.

Heh, it's like having a birthday I actually care about... We didn't do anything special or any of that, I didn't actually say much about it out loud, but it was pretty cool...

G made some awesome food though, too... Providing no one else pounced the leftovers, that's so gonna be lunch. :3

That I didn't celebrate or anything... I dunno, it feels a little bitter-sweet, but at the same time, it was overall a perfect day.
It's complex, I want to celebrate it, yet considering all... The point of this.

Someone I spoke to a few months back put it more perfectly to words than I ever can... And I don't even know if I can quote what he said perfectly enough to get the idea and feeling across...

All I'm going through, and all I am STILL going through... Well... It's nice, it's freeing, it's finally at long last being able to stand up, almost as mySELF for once, and be recognized for that.
But... To the counterpoint of that, there IS some loss... Joyous, yes. But loss is still loss, and therefor bitter-sweet.

It's nice to finally be more 'myself', and be seen and called as I should always have been... But I wasn't always so.

To put it in other words... Once upon a time, I had... Well, it was like having control of ones own girl... If I wanted her to dress a certain way, she would. Act a certain way, she did that, too.
I never realized that much at the time, but hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?

Would I go back to having control of that? No. Never.
But do I occasionally miss it? ... Yes, at times. But would I ever want to revert to it? No. Not even if someone payed me.

Basically though, the point I'm no doubt failing to get across, is the enjoyable bitter-sweetness to it all. Thinking back over it all, the feeling I get, is rather what I remember good semi-sweet chocolate tasting like... Bitter enough to make your nose crinkle ever so slightly, but perfectly flavored aside from that.

I dunno where that part came from. *shrug* Just trying to put descriptions to hard to describe feelings I guess...

I don't even know why I write these... Though I do enjoy reading back over them later. I suppose that's why.

... I just find it interesting, one always has to sacrifice something for happiness, even if you WANT to give it up, it's still a sacrifice. It's still something one has to give in exchange for what they take.
Everything has a cost... Though... With every passing day, I do often find myself thinking that this one thing at least. I think I've broke even for once.

Heh, I think I'm a bit jaded, life has been... Difficult. So it's fairly irregular for me to feel like things are very 'equal'...

Eeh, if I remember my tangent I'll perhaps type more later... But for now, dishes need washing and whatnot...

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 09:45:24 GMT

Hehe...

Got drunk on wine, braved watching Twihell (Twilight) finally... It was actually a survivable flick... Providing I didn't shut up and kept finding things to laugh about. Which there were thankfully PLENTY, as I was (and still am) drunk and we were MST3K-ing it! XD

Overall..... Amusing. Not exactly to be repeated, but... Amusing.

Also.

... As I'm still drunk, I'll admit that I NEARLY, NEARLY suggested something I would later gouge my eyes out for... But THANK FUCKING GOD!!!! My Girl prevented me from doing so.
And I quote "No way in hell, not even if you asked, not ever"... Or something like that. Too drunk to recall exactly. But yes.
I love my baby girl ALL the more for that!!! <3

All I'll say about it is "Sequel".

Most of you can probably guess from there... My vague hint of a defense? I'm DRUNK, and wanted something else to mock.
Not a GOOD excuse, at ALL! But It's what I got for now. XD
And I'm drunk. :3

... As to why the fuck I can still type? IDFK. Magical mystical L33T as FUCK skillz! XD XD XD
Eerm, at least that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!

Though truthfully? I'm actually usually freakishly good at typing while drunk... XD And when I do make errors, I'm VERY much more apt to notice them... Odd, huh?

Anyway... LAters, pps!!!

Hehe... Next post might be about hangovers from hell from wine... IDK. XD

I'm off to go play World of Warcraft for a while! LOL!!! Should be HIGHLY entertaining! :3

"It's like having living ink just under my skin! " She told me...

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 02:13:25 GMT

Just woke up. I was having a pretty nasty nightmare, but an old friend of mine saved me... God I miss her.

Woke up crying, course once I was fully awake I couldn't anymore, as per usual...

I dreamed I was a warrior on an epic battlefield, oddly on some faraway planet that I knew had space travel... Once awake the battle reminded me a bit of some scenes from the movie AvP, but of course, it was worse...

I carried a gun, and oddly a sword, somehow I knew the combination was the only way to kill the things we were fighting, but at the same time, I knew I was doomed... I'd lost my team when the commander turned out to be working for THEM. We killed all of 'em alright, but at the expense of all of my team, and I wasn't much better off...

Now let me tell you a bit about 'Them'. They were massive aliens, if you think Geiger's aliens were bad, these were worse... Inky black and one with the shadows... It was like Geiger's aliens, the aliens form Pitch Black, and the Vashta Nerada from Dr. Who had a bastard love child.
They were nasty as hell, and oh-so-much more easy to become the unwitting 'host' to... You see, when they died, they released a cloud of whisps, small seeds, much like those on a dandilion, and they were easy to breathe in... Doing so is how you became a host for them... And as they grew in your lungs, you would feel sick and weak, short of breath until it tied itself with the rest of your body... By then it was too late, and once it had taken full control, it would peel out of you like some sick demented butterfly...

Anyway, somehow I KNEW all this about the world... Probably because my dream-self lived in it. But I was trudging along, weary, exhausted and bleeding from several wounds... When I came across the worst thing I could have found...

Looking out over the top of the next rise, I saw smoke, and a downed ship, one I immediately recognized as a civilian transport, I assumed it was one of the last, as we had been evacuating all of them for over a week... But it being part of my nature, even though I knew I'd be of little help, I went to check for survivors.

When I got there there were a few, oddly familiar faces, though I didn't know them in my dream... Among them was a small child, she had beautiful long hair and sparkling eyes, she told me she knew me, but all I could do was smile and shake my head, as in the dream I did not know her... But upon waking I realize I did.
Anyway, the girl was so proud of her father... He had apparently managed to kill one of the alien scouts with little more than a bent broken pipe and his bare hands... Thus saving the child, and the half dozen other survivors.

Hearing this I froze and looked them over carefully, I didn't want to check, but I knew I had to, so under the guise of checking them over to be sure the crash hadn't effected them adversely, I used a small medical reader on each of them... It was a small silver box with a screen, looking suspiciously like a cross between an iPhone and a tri-corder, and it was mounted on my wrist, rather like the wrist computer in Fallout 3 games...

They were all too happy to be checked over, for even though I was clearly alone, my bloodstained armor still proclaimed me to be military.

The results upset me, however, as not only were four of them infected, but the child was as well...

I spent some time running and rerunning the results as I tended to their assorted wounds and tried to prepair them to travel, though they kept insisting they should stay, "We can't leave, you idiot, if we leave, those THINGS will get us, and if we stay, your buddies will come get us! They'll see the smoke and come, so shut the hell up!", that's what one of them shouted at me, only standing a foot away, he was one of the infected... Against my will I tightened my grip on my gun, wondering if this was where I was going to die, but the little girl just laughed and somehow managed to calm us all...

Though then the little girl smiled and said the most peculiar thing, "We will get help, but it won't be at all what you are all expecting..." She laughed again, this time at me as she stepped over and took my hand, "But they won't much like you... Hehe, but it will be ok, you're nice and charming, I remember...", I was stunned at this and didn't know what to say, but I knew arguing with the civilians was going to get me nowhere, so I left them to go patrol the area...

I spent some time scouting around the ship, watching the smoke plume up into the sky with growing dread, because I knew that damn smoke, the smoke they thought was going to save them, was likely to doom us all... See 'THEY' weren't as stupid as we always told the civilians 'they' were... The Aliens actually had limited technology, and though an apparent tendency toward hive mind tactics, they were smarter than hell... they would see the smoke, and they would know.

I was interrupted by my thoughts as the little girl came scampering out of the ship, she looked irritated as she came over to me.
"One of them is getting sick..." She frowned, "The one that yelled at you... I don't like him."
She looked up at me curiously when I sighed and shook my head. "He's dying..." I tell her this, my throat tight, though somehow I know she will understand... And she does, she nods and looks saddened at that, "I figured... He's hurt inside... And worse..." At this she began walking around me, ever widening circles, as if she was taking part in some strange dance, I found it very strange, but just kept watching her curiously, honestly I thought the stress had gotten to her, or perhaps she was just always an odd child... but her next words stunned me completely.
"He's infected." She spun around and jumped up onto a small rock, crouching there, watching me curiously, I set aside my gun and regarded her seriously, "Most of us are... You know. I saw it... But that's not important... What's more important is how you react to the next few minutes..."

As she said that, the hair on the back of my neck stood on end and I drew my sword, stepping closer to her as I scanned the area, she intimidated me, but I also felt protective of her, and it was that sense of protectiveness that saved me, as bullets peppered the place I had just been standing, and with a curse I pulled her to me and ran to crouch behind a rock, setting her down fully behind it, bullets chasing me as I ran, one zinging off my shoulder armor...
I gave her all the protection of the cover, which left me mostly exposed, but I had armor, damaged though it was, she did not.
It was then I realized that I'd left my gun behind, and was now left with just a holdout pistol. 4 shots and I was down to just my sword... I grimaced as I drew it but the girl just seemed pleased, I was not.
I was even MORE displeased when I finally scanned the area and noticed who had been shooting at us....

There were a rag-tag scroungy looking bunch crouched at the edge of the woods, and I could tell who they were on sight, and oh, how I cursed.
They were little better than bandits in the eyes of the military, and that was because they were civilians, not 'authorized' for combat, but never the less, they stole armaments from the military and fought the Aliens all on their own.
And more to the point, the girl was right. They HATED those in the military... But right then and there I knew what I had to do. And I didn't like it, though the child was clearly amused, snarling and cursing I began to strip off all my armor that ID'd me as military, leaving me with pretty much just my normal clothes, still military issue, but plain black pants and a top, my shoulder armor and wrist computer I kept, and the girl politely offered me a small white kerchief, a knowing oddly grown-up smile on her lips as she did, I just shook my head and took it, telling her to stay here until it was safe.

Bracing myself for the worst, I waved the small white 'flag' in the air as I stepped out from behind the rock, my sword felt heavy in my othe hand, but I merely held it, not brandishing it, just holding it, at this a few bullets zinged by but I stood my ground and gestured at them rudely, I can't remember what exactly I yelled at them, but amidst the curses, I know I told them their opinions mattered for fuck-all if we ALL died, and that they could either kill me, or we could work together to save the remaining civilians on the ship...

Apparently they agreed, and after a bit of debate from them, their leader came striding toward me, it startled me at first that their leader was a woman, but in hindsight didn't suprise me overly. She greeted me and laughed.

There's where the dream flashes forward, but oddly I knew I was much safer now that I was with them... As were the civilians.
Especially since, though my dream-self could never recall meeting her... I KNEW their leader, though she was a bit different in the dream than how I knew her in life, she fit her personality perfectly there...
At first meeting her, her skin was pale and flawless, and her short hair was vivid red, but as time went by, these things started to change, and though I asked about it, she just laughed, and her reply was the most memorable line she told me...

"I love it here..." She told me happily, confused as to what she meant I asked, that's when she smiled, more brightly than before, "HERE, silly... Don't you realize where you are?" That's when it got confusing and I nearly woke up, but she reached out and grabbed my arm, holding tightly, "No, now don't go anywhere... I worked hard to get you here!" It was then that, oddly, I knew I was dreaming, and I became more myself, though retained my dream-self's memories as well, and it was then that, seeing her, I began to cry.
"I love it here" She said, her skin turning first lavendar, then sky blue, she touched har arm and traced a pattern idly, the design instantly showing up a deep royal blue, when I looked up, her lips were stained faintly blue, as if she'd just eaten a bunch of frozen blueberries. "It's like having living ink just under my skin! Though it tickles like a bunch of little bubbles, effrevecent, but sweet like white cranberry peach juice... I can do whatever I want, be whatever..." At this point she decided to relax, apparently... Sprawling out on the now lush grass, and as I looked around, I realized the world had changed, it was now as lush as an Oasis, where it had been a dusty arid desert-like landscape before. "I can change to all the colors of the rainbow, if I wished..." She was clearly pleased at this, though she frowned. "Though I do miss everyone... Some of them I can't visit like this, and I miss them. I love them, though, so at least I can see them, even if they can't see me..."

And she smiled brightly, laughing, "Now, go... You'll be back..." Her grin faded to an impish little smirk, and she turned me around and smacked my ass, pushing me forward a bit, "Go before you get pulled back to that mess from before..."

And though I didn't want to wake up, I did... With tears still wet on my cheeks, I woke up...

And god how I didn't want to... I was glad to be rid of the nightmare, but...

Yah...

Tonight I'm going to drink, and when I do... I'm going to pour a bit off for her, her and the little lost girl with the bright smile...

The spiral keeps turning, I guess...

Shade and Sweet Water to them both.

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 09:28:06 GMT

Went and saw 'District 9' with my Dad tonight... Just got back, actually.
And I won't post anything spoiler-y, 'cuz I fuckin hate people that do that shit, but I will say this.
I liked the movie, it was interesting and thought provoking, furthermore I'm eve more impressed with Producer Peter Jackson... Even though he cut the edges a little close with Lord of the Rings, he's actually pretty damn good at capturing the visual feel that his movies need, and he's apparently pretty damn good at doing this in a variety of formats.
Which brings me to the film style. It was VERY different, and at least to me, unexpected... Though perhaps I should have paid better attention to the previews. Personally I've never much liked other movies shot in that kind of style, as for me it always comes across as stilted, forced, and utterly unbelievable... However IMO, District 9 pulled the style off almost disconcertingly well.

I'm keeping this vague because I hate spoilers, but if you're curious about the style I'm talking about, click the IMDB link and hover your mouse over the 'Plot Keywords', it tells you.

List of movies I want to see... (Maybe not in the theater, but definitely want to see 'em.)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1156398/ ('Zombieland', looks funny in a 'Shaun of the Dead' way. ^.^)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0361748/ (Quentin Tarantino's remake of 'Inglourious Basterds'. Might be good, might suck. I don't care, it has Brad Pitt playing a snarky bastard killing Nazis... Everything else is gravy, 'm just wantin' to watch it for that!)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0386117/ ('Where The Wild Things Are'... Based of course on a book I adored as a child, upon finding out tonight that the director had the original author's input and approval, I've decided I have to see it. XD)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1127896/ ('Taking Woodstock'... Have to see it, if only for the lulz.)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1038686/ ('Legion'... OMFG, It might suck, but I have no words for how much I liked the plot and preview I saw tonight. Must. See. It.)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1197624/ ('Law Abiding Citizen' Over The Top action flicks, with the sole plot of 'Revenge!'. Yes, please. Those are very much my kinda flicks!)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0433362/ ('Daybreakers'... Eeh, maybe... New vampire flick, has the whole "In the year 2019, a plague has transformed most every human into vampires." gig going for it, but idk. I'll probably hate it, but a least it's not f-ing Twyhell)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1014759/ ('Alice in Wonderland' 'cuz I just have to... Seems I develop a driving need to watch anything with Johnny Depp in it, 'cuz he's just that awesome.)

Also at some point, I need to sit down and watch the newest Harry Potter flick, and X-men, 'cuz I need to update my HP movie know-how (even if it's bad or whatever), and Wolveriene just rocks.

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 23:54:22 GMT

Excuse me while I ROFLMAO... And then cheer...

... Why you may ask..?

This... http://www.cracked.com/blog/8-things-i-know-about-vampires-based-on-the-lost-boys/

*Copys a snippet from said link*
"But for all it's baffling 80s-ness, I think kids today could learn a lot from Lost Boys. With the vampires from 'Twilight' walking around like starved members of My Chemical Romance, all "wah wah wah cry cry cry," kids these days probably think vampires are whiny douchebags. In 'The Lost Boys,' vampires are a cross between the Goonies and 'Ride the Lightning'-era Metallica. Consider school officially in session, kids. Here's what you should really know about vampires."

*ROFLMAO more* If you're amused by my random Lost Boys stuff at all, click it please. It is lulz.

Thats is all. \o/

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 08:04:48 GMT

"Just a girl born in Dixie, washed in the blood
And raised on the banks of the Mississippi mud
She always had a thing about fallin’ in love with a bad boy
Yeah they could see it all comin’
But her daddy never dreamed
She’d grow up that fast, you know what I mean
The way a girls gets when she turns seventeen, kinda crazy"

"She’s a rebel child and a preacher’s daughter
She was baptized in dirty water
Her mama cried the first time they caught her with me
They knew they couldn’t stop her
She holds tight to me and the Bible
On the back seat of my motorcycle
Left her daddy standing there preaching to the choir, you see
God love her
Oh, me and God love her"

"She kissed her mama good-bye
Said, "I’ll be sure to phone ‘ya"
She called her from a truck stop in Tucson, Arizona
With amazing grace we made California alive
And then my gypsy life started takin’ it's toll
And the fast lane got empty and out of control
And just like an angel she saved my soul from the devil"

"She’s a rebel child and a preacher’s daughter
She was baptized in dirty water
Her mama cried the first time they caught her with me
They knew they couldn’t stop her
She holds tight to me and the Bible
On the back seat of my motorcycle
Left her daddy standing there preaching to the choir, you see
God love her
Oh, me and God love her"

"Now she holds tight to me and the Bible
On the back seat of my motorcycle
Left her daddy standing there preaching to the choir, you see
God love her
Oh me and God love her
God love her
Me and God love her"

Just lyrics and a link to the video for now... Perhaps a bit of story-time later once I can shake this intense depressed/wistful feeling that the song inspires, as in spite of how the song makes me feel... It reminds me of a certain fictional crossover paring... All the girl in the video needs is beautiful long dark hair, and her boyfriend's hair needs to be a touch longer and frizzier, and they would very much resemble said pairing...

What d'you think, Baby Girl?

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 00:21:06 GMT

(Not that I think anyone reads this anymore, but...)

I finally gave my old phone service the axe. Tmobile has NO reception for 27 miles out here, so it was useless to keep around, anyway...

I'm going to try and get a pre-payed phone through AT&T or Verizon sometime later... I can't get another payed plan through Verizon at least, because my credit score is crap, and they want to charge me a fuckin' insane 400$ deposit before they'll even THINK of giveing me a free phone...
Haven't checked AT&T yet, but I'm sure they'll say the same.

So, yah... My old 3816 phone# is dead, and since I'm having to switch to pre-pay, I won't be getting it back.

However if anyone cares to ask, feel FREE to ask for my new cell phone number when I get it... (I'll post when I finally have a new working phone.)

Yikes!

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 21:16:52 GMT

http://www.aeroforceone.com/index.cfm/pk/view/cd/NAA/cdid/1204878/pid/302766

That sounds pretty sucky... *chews my nails* I hope he'll be alright..!

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 11:50:36 GMT

Wednesday night again...

I find it quite irritating, the more I do it, the more of a pain in the ass it is to do without some form of encouragement, or at least sympathetic moral support... It doesn't even truly hurt, not like just LIVING did before...

Just a quick jab and a brief sharp pinch, one quickly forgotten, but oddly knowing that doesn't stop the annoying flash of fear. Unwarranted. Unneeded. Stupid fear. It makes my hands shake bad enough that I can't do it, have to set it all aside and take a few minutes break...

It was easiest all those months ago sitting in that office, under the comforting watch of the nurse, and the knowing care of a loved one... But that was over 10 months ago... 10 months. 40 weeks. (Probably at least 50 by now.)
... 9 more weeks until October 8th again, then it'll have been a year... You'd think I'd be VERY used to this whole drill by now...

Once it was fine, and easier just knowing a loved one was in the other room, hell, even with just my mother in the other room it was easier... But out here... Out here it just plain sucks.

Much like my depression it gets so hard that often I seriously start to wonder "What does it matter? Who the fuck cares aside from me?"... There's no call to impress anyone out here, no loved ones, no friends...

Geh... At least this week the apathy was good for something, made it all go a little easier this week... Even though I did flinch at the wrong moment and do it half-ass, which just made it worse, as I had to back the needle out and do it right. It sucks to fail and only stab the needle in far enough to bleed, just enough to feel it, and then have to do it AGAIN to be able to inject my meds...

Then again, I just hope that it's been harder because they've wanted to do so much bloodwork, perhaps I'm just getting fed up with needles, and maybe if I could go a week without them wanting to tap my veins, maybe it'll go a bit easier?
... I don't fucking know anymore...

It'll be three months before I get to see my normal doctor again... She was out this month, so I had a fill-in doctor, and she... Was irritatingly useless, she couldn't actually talk to me about ANYTHING... Now that I'm not living with other people who would be close enough to touch me, I've been wanting to see about perhaps getting switched to the topical or patches... Things I couldn't do before, because I know how easy it transfers in those formats... But now that that's not a risk I'd wanted to see. But the annoying filler Doc couldn't talk to me about that... All she wanted to do was get MORE blood to run some more tests, and she renewed my preexisting scrip... Great, useful. She couldn't field any of the other health questions I had in regards to it, and she couldn't (OR wouldn't?) talk to me about switching my meds... She just told me "Oh, you'll have to talk to you're normal doctor or the pharmacist about that.".

Blah.

And to make matters worse, I think living out here I might finally NEED anti-depressants... It's a nice place for hell, very quiet and peaceful... With NOTHING to do, no jobs, no hobbies, not even any real volunteer work to be done...
Though with as bad as my depression has been, that's probably for the best... I'd feel worse if there WAS things for me to do... Hell, I have internet, but most days I can't even bear to check it.

Though also, the situation with the cat probably isn't helping...

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 17:49:24 GMT

Ooohkayyy...

When doing a Google Image Search for "gremlins screencaps"...

... The LAST thing I was expecting to see where...'Lost Boys' screencaps..?! WTFF INTERNET?!
SERIOUSLY!

Page one, second result.

Eerm... WTFF? ... Is the INERNET now officially as insane as _I_ am>?!

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 00:31:37 GMT

"Now the lights are going out,
Along the boulevard
Memories come rushing back and makes it pretty hard
I've got nowhere left to go
And no one really cares
I don't know what to do
But I'm never giving up on you."

He sighed, looking out across the city lights, from the second floor of his crappy hotel room, he couldn't see very many, but the LA skyline lit up the night. Even the dampening effect of the rain streaking down the window could do little to dim the glow.

He looked down at the faded photograph in his hand, it was an older one, back from the days when photographs only came in black and white... In it was a sweet looking girl, her long slightly curly hair forever captured in the perfect moment where it was ringlets, adorned with a crown of daisies.
He remembered that day... Not as clearly now as he once had, time added a permanent haze to his memories, but he did remember it, more clearly than most.

It had been the summer of '86, she'd been freshly sixteen, and he was only a year older. Her parents never approved of him, but they knew he made her happy, so they had wanted to see them marry... But that was never to be, as later that same year, in the winter his mother had drug him to LA. 'Family business' she'd claimed, but that wasn't the truth of it...

He'd proposed to her just before he left, and that's when the picture had been taken.
Her freshly washed and combed hair was still perfectly neat, smelling so wonderfully of daisies and chamomile, and it would remain so forever in the faded photograph, her bright smile as timeless as the small chip of diamond in the ring he'd given her... He hadn't been able to afford much, but she'd still smiled just as brightly as if he'd given her the hope diamond.

... Unfortunately later that year his mother pulled him away... 'Family business', hell... He'd practically died that winter.
Practically.

Which is of course why he couldn't go back.
Oh, he'd tried. A few years later, after he'd... Recovered. He went back, curious as to how his beloved was doing... But she'd apparently moved on.

He lightly caressed a well-worn corner of the photograph, taking great care not to damage or fold it as he tucked it back into his wallet.

She had a kid last he checked, the child's deep strawberry blonde hair always made him wonder, though... Her husband's hair was dark like hers. But regardless, she deserved a real husband like she had, Not like he would have been. She had her own car, and a ring twice what he could have ever afforded... But it looked right on her.
It was what she deserved. So in a way, he was very happy for her. Though he'd never admit to missing her, he did. Even to this day.

His movements lacked enthusiasm, listlessly he picked his keys up off the night stand, glancing over his shoulder to be sure his most recent 'companion' for the night was still soundly asleep. He checked her pulse carefully, assuring himself that she was suffering no ill effects from spending time in his company, it was a bit weak, but steady.
He trailed his fingertips through her artificially bleached blonde curls, one last lingering touch before he forced himself to stand and walk out. Slowly making sure to let the door fall silently closed, listening to the quiet 'click' as the door latched and locked as it was supposed to.

One watching would wonder what kept his thoughts so occupied, as he didn't notice the heavy rain in the least, though many wouldn't ride in this sort of weather, he didn't care. He lazily brushed at the water on the seat of his motorcycle before stepping onto it. The loud revving of the engine woke up a nearby alley cat, causing it to yowl and dart away, though he just glanced toward the sound out of reflex, not interest... He waited for the still silence to return to the world, aside from the sound of his motorcycle, before pulling out of the parking lot, quickly vanishing amongst the winding streets of Los Angeles...

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 18:53:07 GMT

Those of you that know me know how depressed even ASKING this leaves me...

But I ain't got much choice...

Does ANYONE know of any veterinary office that will still let you sign the animal over to them so they can treat them and then adopt them out?

One of my cats (Skywise) is clearly quite sick, he's now refusing to eat unless I sit with him, I'm pretty sure he's not drinking much, he REFUSES to use the litterbox unless I force him into it and hold him there... And even then he usually doesn't...

I currently have to keep him locked up in the bathroom 24/7, because I can't keep him in my room at ALL. If I do he curls up next to me and pees (Or worse!)...

If he was healthy I was planning on just making him strictly an outside cat... Since we live in Vernonia it would likely be fine... I even got a harness and a tag with all the current info on it that he's been wearing, but...

I just don't feel comfortable doing that when he's sick... The way he's so listless and shivery would make him easy prey for everything that lives out here...

So... Yah... I'm depressed and at my wits end, freaking out and trying to figure out what the hell I can do for my cat when he's clearly sick... And Dad doesn't care, he just wants him OUT of the house. He even suggested taking the cat to the pound, but ESPECIALLY with him being sick I can't do that, they'll just put him to sleep for SURE, as that's standard process with sick animals. (Or so they tell me.)

So, yah... Any advise at ALL?????

Huh?!

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 03:46:50 GMT

Land mine left in Goodwill donation box
By The Associated Press

ARVADA, Colorado — A land mine found in a suburban Denver Goodwill donation box forced the evacuation of a strip mall.

The rectangular, olive-green box with the words “Front Toward Enemy” raised the suspicions of Goodwill workers Tuesday.

Arvada police say the Claymore land mine didn’t go off in the donation box and no one was hurt. A bomb squad disposed of the device.

Police Sgt. Jeff Monzingo says it’s unclear whether the device was operational or where it came from. No suspects have been identified.

Claymore mines were widely used during the Vietnam war.

As posted here -> http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2009/07/22/10223996-ap.html

Story?

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 15:24:20 GMT

I had a dream the other night...

I sighed and walked down the road, hands buried deep in my pockets, alone with just my thoughts for once...

... This was a rare occurrence, really. A night not spent running wild with my friends, not chasing some skirt for a game, after all I never went farther than games with the ones I chased, because after all, my heart already was stuck on just one... Others didn't interest me beyond a snack, or an entertaining lead-up...

But lately...

... Well, I now knew what it meant to have love 'go cold' as all the ballads would croon about, while whining about some lost love. And it was about as depressing and dissapointing as they all made it out to be.

How did I know this? ... She knows all about me, every secret I never tell, all of it. She's my other half after all, why wouldn't I have told her... She's just as close to my faintly beating heart as my Brothers are. And to say that of her... Well, it speaks more highly than anyone else could understand.

But she knows.

I went to her the other night, I'd actually fucked up. Fucked up pretty bad, too... But I guess... I guess she just couldn't care anymore... Something...

David told me once, ages ago that they'd all do that... Swear their love, in spite of what you are, in spite of everything. But in the end, some day they'll realize they just can't take it. And they'll leave, they'll turn away, or force you away before too long...

And she did. Couldn't of picked a better time to do it, either... I didn't have a choice, couldn't argue, didn't have the time before sunrise, and I was too weak to get back to the Cave.

I also figure, it was probably a bad Idea to go running to her for help, bleeding from wounds that would have long ago killed a normal boy, and covered in blood that wasn't mine... She didn't ask though, even as she took in my appearance, wide-eyed in shock even as I dripped blood on her nicely polished floors...

I can't remember what I said, but I know I begged for help, explained that I needed a safe place to crash, away from the sunlight, and I think I asked if she still had a bottle I'd left the week before... I KNOW I didn't ask to feed from her, though I wanted to... David told me the next day that I was lucky. Tch lucky... I should have just died. Shame I didn't.

Anyway... I think she could tell, how bad off I was, though it would be plain for most to see... She yelled at someone to fetch the bottle I'd left... One of her sisters, I think... And it was brought. I didn't let myself look away from her, I couldn't for fear of loosing what careful restraint I had.

She pressed the bottle into my hands, still completely wordless, and she helped me to drink it... Though it didn't help enough. Again I asked if I could stay and... She just started to shake her head, tears falling from her eyes.

No? No, whyever not?! I know I raised my voice a bit, I was panicked, I didn't want to die after all... It was then that she offered herself to me, insisting that I should feed from her, but then I had to leave... Leave and never come back, "It's for both of our own good!" she said, that I remember...

So... I did...

I still remember the taste of her, the rich coppery tang of her life, flavored with the same distress and sorrow I felt just as intensely. It was disorienting to say the least.

But then, after checking her over, making sure I didn't take too much, making sure the small wounds I'd left had stopped bleeding... I left... I don't think I even shut the door behind me. No doubt one of her sisters did.

... I keep wanting to leave a message, stop by or try to call like I used to every night... But... She's avoiding all the places we used to go... And David says that trying to "press the matter" will just make it all the more painful...

"Live for the moment... Ignore it as best you can. The pain will never go away, embrace it if you must, but forget it. It will happen again all too soon, and you will enjoy it all over again, just as much as it pains you in the end... But forget the pain, otherwise it will kill you..." That's what he said, and Marko agreed... Normally I would have fought the idea, objected violently to the very NOTION... But there was something about the look he had when he said it... Something that echoed the essence of the look she'd given me as she told me to leave. It told me he knew, knew more than just having experienced it a few times could give.

So... I've been trying to respect both their wishes... As best I can.

I left her two dozen black and red roses, swiped from a window display at a fancy shop, though I had payed for the small card... I simply wrote "I understand, and I am sorry.". I didn't even bother to sign it, but she should know... I'd given her these same flowers before, every month on our anniversary.
She used to laugh at me for keeping count, I don't think she ever fully knew I was serious when I told her our relationship was the longest I'd ever had...

But that's just the way I am... Relationships are too personal, to involved, too close, and too painful... So I tended to avoid them. Most think it's just because I don't care enough, or that I'm just 'that' kind of guy... And while I suppose that's true as well, that's not all of why...

...

... It's been only 3-4 days since then... Since all that, and I still can't sleep... I've been running 36 hour 'days' because of it. I'm terrified of dreaming, and reliving it all over again... And I do, when I dream.
So I try not to... So I push myself... Wake up at night, force myself to stay up all through the day, let the next night's energy boost keep me awake as long as possible, and just when the sun is warming the sand, I finally sleep sometimes...

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 03:36:59 GMT

10/09/08... Until now... 10 Months, Approximately.

... I think this October I'm going to get a tattoo of some kind... One year is on an oddly important date for me.

Nothing 'specifically for this' or 'in honor of', I might regret those later, but maybe just FINALLY getting something I've been wanting for a while, like the shamrocks and triskele I've been wanting...

Or perhaps just something more 'classic', a Tribal armband wouldn't go amiss...

Nothing's set in stone... Just thoughts, pondering...